More reasons you should re-think your trip to New Zealand.

If you read my last article, “Nine Reasons Not To Come To New Zealand,” you’ll understand I’m providing a public service, warning you about all the dangers of coming to this idyllic paradise of a country. I’ve now been marooned here for almost a year, and have found some additional reasons you should stay away, even though you might be otherwise tempted. I share them with you here…

1. You’ll Lose Your Shoes

With barefoot walking the norm here, you’ll most probably ditch your shoes to fit in. Worse yet, when you do, you’ll have such a profound connection with nature you may never want to wear shoes again. If you’re a shoe-shop-a-holic, can’t survive without your high heels, and need a shoe of every color to match your wardrobe, this one fact alone will completely turn you off to New Zealand, with good reason! You may return home and realize you’ve wasted your entire salary on a boat-load of shoes you no longer need. Awakening to your over-spending shoe-obsession is dangerous and could lead you to start dancing naked-footed around your house when you return, freaking out your friends and neighbors. Don’t take the risk.

2. You’ll Damage Your Social Media Credibility 

If you consider yourself at all trustworthy, do not come to New Zealand! The problem is, you’ll post these beautiful photos on Facebook, Instagram and your blog with a caption, something like, “the most beautiful place on earth!” Then, you’ll travel some more, and the next day, you’ll post more photos of some other place you visit, and declare THAT is the most beautiful place on earth. You’ll look like a complete hypocrite and nobody will believe you anymore and you’ll lose all your followers in the social world, and have to resort to calling people to get their attention. I’m telling you, better to just stay away!

Another most beautiful place in New Zealand. (The Gorge in Hokitika.) Photo by Heather Markel, All Rights Reserved. Copyright 2021

3. You’ll Get Lulled Into An Unhelpful Sense Of Security

This is one of the most dangerous things about New Zealand. If you leave your bag unattended in a public place while you, say, go order some food at the counter, or run to the toilet, that bag, and all its contents, will still be exactly where you left them when you return. The danger is, if you expect to travel anywhere other than New Zealand, you don’t want to take this habit with you, or you may very well find your valuables gone before you know what happened. It’s so crazy that I’m toying with leaving a 20 dollar note on top of my bag and seeing if it’s still there. Better not to develop this sense of security only to lose it.

4. You’ll Become Paranoid

If you’re from virtually any other country, you’re used to leaving a tip for food, taxis, your hairdresser….Not in New Zealand. The problem is, they just pay people good wages here, so the burden of their salary doesn’t fall on your wallet. It’s pure torture to get up and NOT leave a tip. You’ll fret for days about whether you’re a horrible person for not leaving a tip for that super lovely waitress, or the hairdresser who gave you the best cut you ever had, or that really nice taxi driver who gave you tons of information about the city. If you don’t want to suffer this paranoia, don’t come to New Zealand.

Marsden’s Cross. Photo by Heather Markel. All Rights Reserved. Copyright 2021

5. The Safety Will Bore You

Whether we’re talking about your general safety on the street, or the risk of being stung, eaten, or flung about by a wild animal, you just won’t find those dangers here. It can get rather dull walking around, knowing that nobody is going to steal the phone out of your hand, your camera won’t call special attention to you, and while you hike on one of those “most beautiful places on earth” no giant mammal two or three times your size will pop out thinking you’re lunch. The biggest danger you face is having a persistent fantail bird fly inches from your face to demand you rustle up some worms. If you prefer living on the edge, you definitely shouldn’t come here. Unless, of course, you decide to do some crazy adventure sport. Here’s the nifty part – you can’t sue anyone if you hurt yourself – it’s at your own risk. This is because, if you do hurt yourself and need medical care, the government will probably pay some of the cost. It makes no sense. I mean, someone else pays the bill for you being an idiot? Yeah, don’t come here, it’ll be too much for your brain to grasp.

6. You’ll Feel Like You Entered A Parallel Universe And You Won’t Want To Leave

Kiwis are some of the loveliest people you’ll ever meet. I mean, I’m basically an immigrant, and the government is bending over backwards to help me stay safe and healthy by extending my visa so I can stay here longer. Every time I fret about the eventual impending expiration of my visa, every kiwi I meet, including one I just met who writes Covid policy (!!) tells me that New Zealand doesn’t want anyone to become an unlawful visitor for terms outside their control, and I shouldn’t stress about this. Most people I meet tell me to just stay. The thing is you won’t want to leave, but you’ll have to leave (unless you move in with or marry a Kiwi or get a job…) so why get all excited about a place you can’t stay forever? Nah, stay away!

7. You’ll Have To Carry Too Many Clothes

I know I said six reasons, but since I’ve already ruined my social cred with how many places in New Zealand I’ve called beautiful, which means nobody is reading this anyway, I thought I’d go for one last important point. The weather-people are pretty much wrong, every day, about the weather. I know in most places of the world you think your ideal job would be a weatherperson because, who wouldn’t love to get paid to be wrong? But here, they are more wrong than other countries. (No, I have not fact-checked that statement because I’m trying to exaggerate here, for comedic effect.) In fact, I’m not sure why they bother trying to predict weather at all on an island that’s subject to the will of mother nature, Poseidon, a whole bunch of Maori gods, and the movement of the tectonic plates. The unfortunate part for you, is, you’ll have to dress for 4 seasons, maybe 6 depending on whether the gods randomly throw in snow or hail on a summer day mixed with high winds, and that makes packing a hassle. Not to mention, you’ll have to carry all these spare clothes around with you while walking around being a tourist, just in case it rains, gets 20 degrees colder, or the humidity goes up 50%. Who needs that? Another reason not to go to New Zealand.

8. Your Lover’s Skills Will Be Challenged

OK, well, I minus will throw in one more point while I don’t have your attention….Speaking of tectonic plates, the ones here move around a lot, meaning, at some point, your bed is gonna shake, with you in it. Your partner may try to tell you he/she rocked your world, but, sorry!, it was the literal earth that caused it, and the motion of the ocean. If your ego is easily bruised by having to give earth credit for your (potential lack of) sexual prowess, you definitely should stay away from New Zealand. Also, when you ask around the next day about the earthquake you felt, it will turn out that nobody, but you, felt it, and you’ll be asked to refer to the earthquake website to check your apparently over-active imagination, and I’m sure your lover will use that as proof that it was him/her that in fact did rock your world, which will cause this whole argument and challenge your sanity, so, I mean, if you don’t come, you don’t have to go through all that! 

Look, at the end of the day, your (eventual) choice of where to travel is yours to make. I just want to make sure you understand all the risks you’ll be taking if you come here, and hope you find this article helpful. Feel free to comment below and let me know which point worries you the most. 😉  In the meantime, if you need to see how ridiculously beautiful New Zealand might be, from a safe distance, click here and choose a location!