Returning “Home”

I have to return home for a short visit. I’m not looking forward to it. (By the time this post is published, I will already be there.) Interestingly, the way it’s easy to generalize safety in countries I don’t know, my outsider perspective of going home is that I’m entering into a land of anger and violence. Thinking about that, wow, we hear about war and bombing and killings in some countries, and yet the anger I perceive at home feels like it has only begun to be expressed, and unexpressed anger is a scary thing. I know my city, I’m sure I will be fine, but the violence in the US seems more random than in other places, which does not make me feel more safe than any of the places I have been so far.

I dread hearing about the political craziness that seems to be a daily news story one can’t escape apart from unplugging from all media.

I’m not looking forward to the rushing, the tall buildings, in particular the one that will now have eaten up all the sunlight and view my apartment used to have. I’m really not looking forward to the loud noise that, even at night, causes an energetic thrum to pierce the darkness.

I don’t look forward to walking the same streets I have for so long, taking the same transportation that is so familiar, buying groceries in the same supermarkets, eating at the same restaurants, and, generally, all the things that make me feel stuck in the same experience day after day. And, I won’t be able to see any cows walking through the streets to take selfies with! 🙁

I’ve caught myself wandering through stores in Europe and eyeing decorative home goods, plates, electric appliances, and thinking, “I don’t really have a home right now, so I can skip these aisles!” I can tell my journey is not yet complete because that phrase is not accompanied with a feeling of regret or desire, though I know it will come. I guess my very reluctance to return home is also a sign that my journey is not yet complete. That makes me very curious about what will make me feel completeness in this journey!

I am very much looking forward to seeing my family and friends. It’s lovely to know that even though I’ve been gone for ages, I’ll be able to reconnect with them. I know from my last visit that this one will give me more perspective on myself – what’s changed, what’s important, what I want, what I don’t want.

I have to also admit, the luxury of not packing and unpacking will be divine!  It does get annoying to have to roll everything up every few days, carry my bags onto buses and trains, up staircases, and so forth. (Though, a great substitute for the gym!)

So, I’m sure my visit will be bittersweet in many ways, I guess I’ll reflect on it when I’m in my next country. 🙂