Real Fear

(Yes, I took that photo. It’s a Spider Monkey at Monteverde Cloud Forest, taken through a telescope.) Fear is such an interesting human condition. Make no mistake, it is a condition we either give in to or fight our way out of. Most interesting to me is how one fear can shift your perspective on may others.

It took me years and years to make the decision to drop everything, travel without a plan to find “the real me” and see where that led me. Fears about where money would come from and health insurance and being alone ranked at the top.

That’s just the fear of how to live. But, there are so many other fears…for instance, fear of dying from doing something really stupid. I’m not an Extreme Sports kind of person and until recently, the bravest thing I did in sports was to play basketball against a bunch of guys in college. That all changed when I made the really crazy decision to zip line in Costa Rica.

I had never heard of zip lining before coming here. Some new friends and I enjoyed the rainforest in La Fortuna and we had the sense that something visceral was being experienced above our heads by the sounds of the howling humans zip lining around us. So, we decided that since we’d have the opportunity to zip line in Monteverde, we’d give it a go. Just seemed like something we’d regret NOT doing.

I’m not going to hide the fact that I was terrified. In fact, that’s too soft a word for what I felt about this decision. I was excited, but of course, the night before our zip lining adventure, I turned on the TV to quiet my mind and what was on? “How to Get Away With Murder.” Then I read a chapter in “Outlander” before bed, and several characters died in that chapter. Not a good way to quiet my fears!

The next day I prayed to God, gods, spirits, whoever would listen, that I would survive, and decided I’d have a great time, and that would be that. That worked perfectly until we had to sign a waiver that if we died, it was not the fault of the park, and got strapped in by a guy that said, “Hope to see you later!” Ugh!

When we got to the first tower, I wanted to turn back, but the problem is, once you’re up there, the only way down is, well, by zip line cable. 17 separate cables to be exact….

I made it through the first one – it was short, and the drop was, well, I figured I’d survive with just a few broken bones. But as we progressed, the drop got worse and worse. I realized I was  hanging by a canvas strap from a cable. The strap looked well used. My right hand, in a glove, held on to the cable to keep from spinning on the way down. I was so nervous that I was gripping the cable, which slowed me down to much, and someone had to pull me in to the next platform. As I’m flying down the top of high trees I barely notice anything because I was just hoping to make it to the end of each cable. After the third cable my nerves had caused my arm muscles to completely exhaust themselves and I had to take a break.

Below, you’ll find 3 videos so you can witness my experiences! Just press play….

That’s when Andres showed up, one of the guides. I didn’t realize I could ride with one of them. He told me he’d be my boyfriend for the day, and took the next cables with me.

Sometimes I forget that it’s ok to ask for help. And, when you accept help, it makes the journey easier and feel better. Seems obvious and yet, for me, I so easily do everything myself that I forget the importance of relying on others.

With Andres, all my fears evaporated because I figured if I fell off the cable, he’d grab my legs and I’d survive. Suddenly I began seeing the view rather than just staring at the next arriving platform, and it was amazing! Then, we had a shorter cable, and I took it alone. And you know what? I leaned back, relaxed my hold on the cable, and actually ENJOYED the ride. For the next cable, Andres set me up to journey together, pushed me off, and when I got turned around, that’s when I saw he tricked me and sent me by myself! And I thought it was funny and I was proud that I made another part of the journey alone without all that fear nagging at me.

Another woman in our group took a guide and said she felt embarrassed. I was thinking, “You made the decision to fly down a tiny cable hundreds of meters above the ground, higher than many trees where you would fall to certain death if your nerves best you, and you’re doing this anyway, and you feel embarrassed about a guide? You should be proud as hell of yourself for taking this adventure!” And yet, maybe that was my own message for my own adventure.

Because the fear I felt today was a lot more powerful than a lot of the fears I faced to get here. If I can confront and overcome the fear I faced today, it means I’m pretty darn powerful and it feels like a huge accomplishment!