My Surprising Relationship With Time •

Even With All The Time in The World, It Can Feel Like There’s Still Not Enough of It

I’m finding my relationship with time a bit frustrating and different than I expected. With traditional work, time seemed structured, or rushed. There were the hours I worked, and then the time spent rushing to get there, or trying to get home, or, worse, trying to run errands, and it seemed like time was too sparse, and I never had enough.

Now, I thought, I’d feel that I have nothing but time. I expected every day to feel like I could stare at the ceiling, or sit in a park, or write in a café, and feel timeless. While I do feel a bit outside of time (while others are locked into the traditional work day structure, and I operate outside of it) I am disappointed that I still feel there is not enough time. Planning my trip to Asia I feel the pull to run around and “maximize time” and go everywhere, versus the desire to be in the moment and let go of trying to be everywhere in exchange for being present to where I am.

Presence Versus “Everything-ness”

Thus far I have been choosing that presence over rushing, but it’s at the cost of not getting to explore every single location I want to see. I know there is “more time later” but it doesn’t stop the desire to “want to do it all now.” I’m surprised that having given myself the gift of time to find myself, I still feel the pressure of time.

In the end, I think my lesson is that I get to choose my relationship with time, no matter what. If I want to make my time about rushing and trying to “do it all”, I can. I know that if I do, I may feel tired, and not completely present to each activity. Or, I can simply be. I can walk slowly, take in my immediate surroundings, find unexpected places, make eye contact with passerby and smile. If I do that, I get to appreciate doing things that bring me joy and feel relaxed.

I think it’s easy to believe that our responsibilities (work, family, etc) control our time. I could say that I’m lucky to have the flexibility in my life I have today, but it’s not luck. It’s because I made a conscious decision to have that flexibility and planned for it, and created it. So, I have to believe that I can create and recreate my relationship with time no matter what I do and who it’s with. It may take more effort in certain situations, but in the end, I suppose it’s about remembering my right to choose and setting expectations.

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