Conditioned for Pain

Another day, another fun self realization! I have been conditioned to normalize pain. In middle and high school I was an athlete – a star softball pitcher (yup, I’m gonna totally recognize myself for being an amazing pitcher) and the point guard of our basketball team. I remember jamming my finger at practice one day and it turning beautiful shades of purple, blue and green. I remember running suicides and doing push-ups past the point I thought I’d drop. But I don’t remember crying at how badly anything hurt. Looking back, it’s like I was conditioned that pain is part of the game, suck it up and deal with it.

Move into relationships, and I think about not just painful break-ups, but pain during relationships where I felt mistreated, unwanted, unimportant, yadda yadda. But I stayed in each relationship past the point of being unbearable, and even a marriage because I was conditioned that relationships are supposed to be painful, suck it up.

Talk about pain – Jacinta of Fatima

Now here I am, finally beginning to create and live a life I love instead of one based on acceptance of pain, of waiting, of disappointments, of disbelief in self and my darn plantar fasciitis has decided to act up. Looking on the Louise Hay website, I was intrigued that she says, “Feet: Represent our understanding – of ourselves, of life, of others. – Foot Problems: Fear of the future and of not stepping forward in life.” I believe it got triggered by a couple of really tough hikes in Costa Rica that left me in so much pain I could barely walk. (But led me to one of the most glorious massages I’ve ever had, for only $20!!) Each time I try to do an activity involving lots of walking, or running up and down hills, my heels end up hurting so badly it’s hard to walk without aggressive stretching and icing my heal. There go my plans to walk the Camino this trip!

As I see life throwing me similar situations I’ve had before, so I can process all the different levels of pain, I realize I now have this profound power to choose whether to accept that pain, or whether to do something different. In some cases, I’ve been able to release the pain, in others, I have decided to no longer accept certain behavior, or to walk away from certain situations. That ability and reminder that I can say no to people and circumstances that cause me pain is very powerful.

And, if I consider pain more deeply, I could also say that it is a reminder that I am a powerful person who is able to accept the pain, and still move forward, with the added new realization that I can say no to pain if I choose.