8 Things To Know Before You Go To New Zealand
Heather Markel, Writer, Speaker, Photographer, Traveler, Business Strategist
I’ve been here a long time!
As the world deals with the medical, financial and emotional problems created by Covid, I’ve been in New Zealand, where my biggest problem (besides the pending expiration of my visa) is which city to visit next and what lodging I can afford. Since my problems are some of the most trivial, unimportant ones that exist in these times, I thought I’d turn them all into overly melodramatic issues to hopefully distract you from those other ones that actually matter. Then again, if you’re coming to New Zealand one day, you probably want to let me continue to set your expectations. So, without further ado, here are 8 things you should know before you go to New Zealand.
Cows in Christchurch
Copyright, 2021. Heather Markel.
1. There Are Lots Of Cows, But No Good Hamburgers
For the past year, every burger joint I encounter piles on more toppings than meat. You can’t find a hamburger without the all important beetroot, a smothering of cheese, some bacon, lettuce, tomatoe, a fried egg, and possibly an herb from someone’s garden. I’ve craved one of those juicy, flame-grilled, naked burgers from the US for ages. Recently, I decided to try and get one at a restaurant in Wellington. I went to the counter with the menu of towering toppings to choose from, and asked the server, “Can I just get a naked burger?”
He shifted his eye contact away from me, to the menu, and asked me what, exactly, I was talking about. I guess “naked burger” means something else here, or his girlfriend was within earshot. Any-who, I managed to get him to order me a hamburger, on a bun, (while discreetly checking out his buns) with nothing else, and a side of curly fries. When my burger arrived I could not wait to bite in. When I did, I understood why they coat their burgers with all those toppings.
2. It’s Impossible To Find A Hairdresser Who “Gets” Curly Hair
Hair is always a drama, and cutting hair can be one of the biggest problems on earth, even in a pandemic. I’ve now had three haircuts, and sorely miss my curly hair salon back home. My first hairdresser dared to dry my hair straight, and THEN even out the different lengths. (If you have curly hair, I know you are cringing with me right now). I returned to her after I washed and restored it to its natural curl. At this point, the left side was blatantly longer than the right. I asked whether she thought my hair was even. She grabbed a strand of hair on each side of my head, pulled them taught, and said “Yes, they’re completely even.” I walked away figuring that explaining the issue to her would make a bad problem worse.
More recently, I was overjoyed to discover a salon that said they do dry cuts! While there, I met a Brazilian woman who has been living in New Zealand for four years, and hasn’t been able to find anyone who understands how to cut her very curly hair. In fact, her last hairdresser butchered it so badly trying to fix all her mistakes that she lost about 7 inches. We both hoped she’d do better in this place.
Sadly for me, my latest hairdresser said it would take her less time to cut my hair after highlighting it, and ended up blowing my hair dry, and cutting it straight, again. I give up. It’s such drama to try and find someone who gets curly hair, waaaaa! (Insert dramatic sweep of hand on head and a few eye-drops to mimic tears down my face…) I think the real problem is, in New Zealand, nobody cares how you look. They’re going to be nice to you, despite your hair.
3. The Ketchup Tastes Funny
It’s bad enough you can’t find a good burger, but no good ketchup?! You won’t find Heinz, not easily anyway. The local ketchup brand tastes different. I surmise that Heinz has lots of added chemical ingredients I’ve adapted to, and New Zealand ketchup is made of something like tomatoes and water, with no strangely-named preservatives. I must be craving some chlorotextaholihide or metadextrose…
4. There’s No Jif Peanut Butter
YOU try living without your favorite peanut butter for a year and see if you don’t consider this a big drama! OK but the nut butters here with every kind of nut and hemp are actually really good. In fact, it may turn out I become a Jif-traitor and actually end up missing New Zealand local nut butters when I go. Forty Thieves’ Nut Butter is my favorite! Sorry, Jif, I hope I don’t create some awful brand war. On the flip side, with mail moving so slowly, I’ll probably need to get some Jif when I return home to bridge the delay in shipments.
5. It’s Hard To Find Good, Full-Bodied, Red Wine
I’m partial to red wine. Full-bodied reds like malbec and cabernet are some of my favorites. So, I’ve felt deprived in New Zealand. It’s a climate problem that bums me out. At wine stores, I gravitate to the export reds or, cast a cautious eye over the local reds, wondering whether I’ll be disappointed. And, you know, being disappointed with the red in your glass after slaving away in the kitchen to boil water for your pasta can be a depleting experience. Without good red wine, I whine! (I’m so punny…) I’ll admit, I was quite pleased with Marsden Estate’s Pinotage, and the pinot noir from Out Of The Ashes.
6. Too Many Men Have Curled Mustaches
While New Zealand is supposedly a safe country, I get scared every time I see a man with a curly mustache, and it’s been more than once. This style should have remained in the 1930s. Waxed, curled mustaches give me the creeps, and I’ve been surprised to see young-ish men sporting them. The worst of it was the manager of one of my hotels. He had that looooong, perfectly waxed/curled mustache accented by his over-sized, round glasses that covered his entire face, right down to his mustache. The mustache was so big it was supporting the eyeglasses, like a muscle man lifting a 2 ton weight. I had to consciously take a breath and mentally talk myself out of laughing hysterically every time I saw him. It wasn’t easy. I wouldn’t stay at that place again for fear I would bust out laughing.
7. You’ll Lose Your Hat If It’s Not Glued To Your Head
Even though there’s a lot of land that seems far away from the sea, there’s a lot of wind here. This means you will lose the hat right off your head, at least once, unless you glue it on. It may happen in the middle of crossing a street in heavy traffic, or on a mountain. This is one of the biggest problems in New Zealand because a good hat can be expensive, and getting the only one that’s secure, with a strap that attaches around your chin, means you’ll look like a serious dork. (Nobody laughs at you when you do wear it, though, speaking from experience…)
8. Napkins are served underneath the food
Sometimes there isn’t a napkin at all when I order food, or it comes in a box with cutlery. Most of the time, I get a napkin on my plate, beneath the food (chocolate cake, a slice of quiche…) and I’m not sure why. This leaves me contemplating whether my food perhaps has a mouth I’m supposed to wipe before I eat it? Or, maybe they want me to wipe my plate clean after I’m done eating? I’m still trying to figure it out.
I know you think you’ve got bigger things to worry about, but one day when you come to New Zealand, you’ll be glad I told you all these really important experiences you might have. By the time you get here, you may have forgotten this blog post, but in my wildest dreams, you’ll be here saying, “That Heather was sooo right, thank goodness we came to this country so well informed!”
I may try to swing a meeting with Jacinda to discuss the possibility of greenhouses to try and grow better red-wine crops, and see if she’ll swing for some flame-grilled burger chef training. I’m sure she’ll make time for me, and be very polite in her rejection of my ideas. 🙂 Because, really, New Zealand is already one of the most perfect places on earth.








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Well, no place is perfect…
Except that New Zealand almost is!!
This is hilarious. I love your takes on New Zealand. Different peanut butter I get, but no Heinz ketchup?!! I think there’s always things you miss from home and wish you could find. I’m the same as a Brit in Canada and it’s often difficult to explain why you like the things you like.
I know! It’s only when you compare I guess that your mind chooses a favorite and then we’re all in trouble lol. Actually I found Heinz yesterday in a bulk store here! Almost bought it but didn’t since I’m a nomad and move around too often to bother lol. Good to know it’s here. ?
Haha I LOVE this post! All the essential information before visiting New Zealand 🙂 Why do you think there are so many curly moustached men?! My uncle had one of these 1930s styles for a long time and it just wasn’t a good look!
I have honestly no idea! I never know what to say when i see that mustache because I’m not sure if I’m talking to it or the man and i can’t stop staring at it! ?
This is hilarious. Your peanut butter issues reminded me of my time living in Japan where PB was just not a thing. And then my dad attempted to bring me some during his visit but had it confiscated at the airport and I felt like my whole world shattered! The sacrifices we make to see the world 😉
Peanut butter confiscated?? No!!!! lol I find it funny to encounter my expectations when i shift countries. Such a good reason to laugh at myself and be less serious. ?
Wow those are some interesting findings .Lot of learning about locals and fun read too. Thanks for sharing
Love this post as always! You make a very good point about the napkin under the food…I have never got that either! I will definitely be looking out the Jif peanut butter too next time I’m in the US. I also couldn’t agree more about the tomato ketchup. My sister lives in Australia & they are equally (un) blessed.
What is it about the ketchup?? A friend here said there may be more sugar in it over here. Since I’ve begun not liking sugar so much that would make sense!! Jif is yummmmmy! I actually eat spoonfuls of it plain as a snack. ?
Oh this was cute Heather! Lol. Is the naked burger meat really that bad? Since I don’t eat burgers anymore I wouldn’t know, and growing up in Oz I’m of course familiar with the well-dresses burger and wonder why anyone would want it plain. As for Jif – ewwwww! I’m glad you’ve discovered the joy of unadulterated nut butters. My hair is dead straight. I long for curls. With you on the moustaches – well any moustaches really. They never improve a guys face.
Great fun post!
Glad you enjoyed! Yes the plain burgers here are missing something but I’m still on the lookout so maybe I will find one! lol I still love Jif but the nut butters are amazing.
Haha. Good to know about the ketchup, hamburgers, and curly mustached men. Also good I don’t have curly hair. Thanks for sharing.
? Thanks for reading!
The curled mustache made me laugh! I am planning on visiting NZ with my mum after the pandemic so this was a great read!
You will love it! As you see, I have to make up problems since there are not many for tourists. ?
hahaha…Now the napkin on the plate under the sandwich or the cake etc bothers me too..Like what do I use to wipe the chocolate of my face or the cream on the end of my nose! As you know Im in Australia and they do that here too. Mind you I owned and worked in my cafe and restaurant a few years ago and we never did that. Now for the burgers…a good ole burger for me starts with a delicious meat burger made from good mince beef…some herbs in the mix…then beetroot, lettuce. Not fussed on the cheese or even a bun…Aussie love their beetroot! Now hairdressers…the last place I lived in the owner did my hair…she cut it straight was perfect and would look amazing for a few weeks till I needed to go back. Her assistant has cut my hair three times…the last two before I left there. Well needless to say its not cut straight, It kinda is shorter at the back than the front/sides. I have had to cut my fringe twice now. It was only done in late December before I moved house. Peanut butter…cant eat it but I do love the other nut butters. As you can tell I loved the post had a few giggles. I remember when I traveled to the states…well I couldn’t get a decent tea to drink. Until one day a lady leaned over the booth and told me to always order Orange Pekoe with milk on the side. From that day on I did and boy the tea was awesome. Also I found out that scones are biscuits…biscuits are our scones and when you ask for no mayo (hate it) you get nothing. No butter etc…which results in very dry bread lol
Wow what is up with the napkin?? I’m going to have to ask some poor waitress about it. lol i guess we have slightly different burger expectations. I love the beetroot but not on my burger! I think I’m gonna cut my own hair. Costs less and looks the same lol. Scones we don’t even have them in the us though et do have scones and high tea? Orange pekie works!!
It sounds really funny. Unfortunately, I do not know what Jif Peanut Butter is and I am not in love with Heinz ketchup, so I just can feel for you. I guess it’s an important loss for you! Take good care of yourself! Thanks for a great post!
? yeah all these different brands! Takes some getting used to.