An American Refugee In New Zealand – Stuck Abroad, Afraid To Go Home
NEW ZEALAND
Heather Markel, Writer, Speaker, Photographer, Traveler, Business Strategist
What A Strange World We Are Temporarily In.
(This is the 16th post in a series. Missed the first 15? Click here to see them all.) Technically, I didn’t flee America to escape danger and persecution. But, watching America from afar, I fear both of them if I try to return, which oddly makes me feel like a refugee. I keep watching these headlines, the kind that have kept me away from other countries at other points in my travels, and I wonder what’s really happening to my country. During this time that I’m traveling, but not, here are the strange thoughts and feelings that pervade my mind.
Will I Ever Feel Safe Returning to America?
In 2001, when the World Trade Center was bombed, I was in Sydney, Australia, watching in horror. I felt so devastated by that act that, though I returned home to New York a week later, it took me almost ten years to be able to visit the place the Twin Towers used to be. I was afraid of replacing the memory of them in my mind.
Once again, I find myself fearful of returning to the city I was born and raised in, only to find it so significantly changed, I don’t recognize it as home anymore. Over the past three years I have traveled to places known for crime, theft, robbery, etc. I always felt safe in Manhattan, even taking the subway home alone in the wee hours. But, as unemployment skyrockets, and the homeless population grows, I fear the return of my city to the old days with prostitution on 42nd street, and fear of walking down the wrong street at the wrong time. Or, worse, the right street, at the right time, only to find unexpected danger. Not to mention concern that enough people aren’t taking the proscribed safety measures or maintaining social distance, so I don’t see how the virus will ever be contained. I will say, however, Governer Cuomo appears to be doing a fantastic job, thank you!
A friend who used to live in Manhattan made me aware of an action in New York where homeless people are being moved into vacant hotels on the Upper West Side. On the one hand, this sounds like a great idea to ensure proper social distancing is possible. On another, it seems like crime is jumping. What’s the real story? I’m not there, so I can’t comment, but hearing the story doesn’t inspire me to return home any time soon.
Will I Even Be Able To Go Home?
Flights are few and far between and alarmingly expensive, but now there’s a rumor that America may close it’s borders to even American citizens. (I mean, who isn’t at risk of having coronavirus if they travel?) I wonder if I will find myself kicked out of New Zealand, unable to go to America, and trying to figure out where to go. Today, someone reminded me of the Tom Hanks movie “The Terminal” where he lives in an airport. Well, at least that’s one option if all else fails, I suppose…
Will America Ever Learn How To Handle The Virus And Get All Citizens To Comply?
Clearly, living in an island country, is dramatically different than living in New York City. I mean, the entire country of New Zealand has fewer people than the island of Manhattan. After 102 days with no community spread in New Zealand, 4 cases popped up in Auckland on August 11th, 2020. On August 12th, the country went right back into lockdown with Auckland at level 3 and the rest of the country at level 2. Just hours after the announcement, I went to the supermarket and had to wait in line again, and all the plastic dividers were back up. They take this thing seriously, and don’t fuck about or politicize things. It’s clear that human life is the top priority, and politicians still mourn the few losses the country has had from the virus. It’s things like this that make me feel happily marooned here, as opposed to stuck here.
In stark contrast, the US President has appeared to vascilate on how serious the virus is until the country was devastated by it. With states left to create their own protocol, as if it is a NOT United States, I can’t imagine the virus spread stopping as borders are crossed. What irony that the President once referred to some other places as “shithole countries” and now he’s on the verge of making his own country one of them. I’m not a master of politics, and, truth be told, maybe it’s better to allow states to make their own guidelines. It’s just been really disappointing to watch the US President appear to be oblivious to what a role model he is for his consituents, failing to wear a mask, and failing to give a damn about how many people are dying, even holding live political rallies. His behavior no doubt makes other people feel justified in theirs; this past week, a bike rally took place in South Dakota. Thousands of people are gathering, and then they’ll go home, and probably won’t self-quarantine, let alone wear a mask. I understand that America is based on freedom. And, Americans, like everyone, are free to be responsible for protecting one another from the virus any way they can. I’m concerned that this is not how freedom is being interpreted by many people in America.
It Feels Like Layers Of Separation Are Being Created
One major issue there is that the virus has been so politicized and so mishandled that it feels like fights could break out over whether or not someone is wearing a mask. With unemployment surging, how long will it be before too many people are hungry and decide to revolt? Add to that this is an election year and I understand the president wants to ban absentee ballots, among other difficulties being put in place to vote. (Because, what’s the difference between a mail-in ballot and an absentee vote? Um, none.) I’ve been trying to get my absentee ballot since June 24th, no word on it yet, despite numerous attempts to follow up. At this point, I’m ready to film myself with a loudspeaker and publicly declare my choice of president if that’s what it takes!
On top of politics, race, creed, color and religion, conspiracy theorist has now been added to the list of ways we can separate from one another. When I recently asked a friend to kindly stop texting me conspiracy theory videos, he ended the friendship. At a time like this, I’m baffled at how many lines are being drawn in the sand, when I hoped we would find more ways to love and comfort one another.
Will Social Norms Depress Me?
I sit in this beautiful place, where the virus, for now, has been mostly contained. For months now, we haven’t worn masks and hugs, kisses and handshakes are common. It’s been a strange bubble of paradise so different than the rest of the world. (Though, as mentioned, we’re going back into lockdown again, so we shall see.) In virtually every other place on earth, the duration of social distancing, mask-wearing, and suspicion has endured so long that I fear it could have lasting implications on social norms. I’m a hugger but when will I be able to hug friends and family again, without worrying about getting one another sick?
“I wonder how long I’ll be marooned and when the US will ever feel safe to return to.”
A flower on a nature walk at Wharepuke in New Zealand.
Photos by Heather Markel. Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved.
I See Nature And Earth As A Being
I had the weirdest experience the other day. I did a meditation in which I was told to ground myself by stretching an imaginary cord from myself, into the earth, and wrap it around earth’s core. I found myself momentarily stunned as I realized I felt rude placing my imaginary cord through earth. Wouldn’t that be violating her boundaries? I first asked permission to ground myself, and only once I felt it had been granted, did I proceed with the meditation. Living in nature has definitely changed my relationship to it.
Where Will I Go Next?
My visa will expire. Whether this year, or next, I will have to leave here. I wonder, where will I go? Will some other safe haven open it’s border to those of us coming from another haven, in time? Will I have to return home and live some strange life, confined to a box, using Skype to talk to friends across the street to avoid being in over-populated areas? I try to take comfort knowing many of my friends are living in New York, are doing ok, and so it may not be quite as bad as the papers make it sound, which is often the case.
Americans Are Now Taboo
When I arrived in New Zealand in February, this was a China problem. Pre-boarding each flight, I had to state whether I had been to China anytime recently. I still remember being in Lake Tekapo in March and being scared when an Asian man did a night sky tour in my group, and ended up next to me. I felt racist, but also like I should protect my health by distancing myself from him.
Ironically, I am now that person that people want to step away from. If a stranger doesn’t know that I’m not fresh off the boat, they might be afraid of catching Covid. In fact, at a recent run to the supermarket, I struck up a conversation with a woman because I noticed her American accent. It turned out she’s been living here for 25 years. When she learned I’m from America, she took a huge step away from me, and asked, “Are you Covid free?” Yup, the world is noticing the bad behavior of many Americans during this pandemic, and it’s making them afraid of having us in their countries. Who ever thought that would happen?
Usually, however, people don’t step away from me, they just apologize. “I’m so sorry,” is this standard reaction to them knowing I’m from the US and it looks like a complete shit show from abroad and they feel badly knowing that I’m stuck away from home, and also afraid to return home. “Just stay here!” is the advice every Kiwi has given me. And, for now, I am.
I Want To See My Family, But…
I Skype with my parents each week, hoping they’re still safe, feeling a little less far for those precious moments. On a recent call, mom said she wished she could see me in person. Me too. I want my mommy. And yet, how awful to feel that me seeing my mom could end up selfish because of the possibility of infecting her, or anyone else I meet along the way. I’m dealing with some health issues, and without a best friend or family member nearby, I feel more alone, stuck in one place. I’m able to seek medical care, but unable to get live emotional comfort.
I Miss World Travel
I created a life of choices, and though I still have many, it feels like many of them have been cut off. I love New Zealand, but I miss Africa, I miss South America. Mostly, I miss the freedom of being able to travel where I want, when I want.
Despite all this, I realize I am lucky. I could have much worse thoughts and much worse problems. I’m sorry for all the losses the world is facing now and for all the deep suffering now happening. I hope, out of it, comes something beautiful for all of us. I’m lucky to be here, for now. I’m visualizing the virus mutating to some form that we no longer have to fear and hoping we regroup, as humans, in the near future, and find better ways to live together and respect the planet.
PS – if you’re reading this, and are also stuck abroad, from any country, stuck in any other country, please feel free to join our wonderful Facebook group offering support in these tough times!








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Being back in the USA is depressing. It’s embarrassing too know how the rest of the world perceives us. That said I am glad we took the plunge and found a way back. Being near family has been important to me, and financially it’s better for us too. As soon as we can, we will return to our world tour. Be safe Heather.
I’m so glad you are safe!!! It’s so hard not being able to travel the world and I really look forward. I hope things are a bit better when I get home…
Wow! What an interesting account from a fellow expat! I have been in your situation; wondering if a time would come when I couldn’t return to my home country of Australia from Canada. In the end I made the decision to leave as similar to your upcoming experience, my vsia was expiring and I didn’t want to be stranded in another country with no government supports once my vsia ran out.
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling a little frowned upon from others because of your nationality 🙁 I hope in time your situation sorts itself out and that you make the best decision for yourself! From one expat to another, you’ve got this!! X
Aww thanks so much for your comments and support. I’m sure it will all work our but what a strange time!! Glad you got home ok. ?
Hi Heather. I am from the UK and arrived in NZ in March right before the border closed, knowing no one in the country. I got a job… and lost it on my first day when lockdown was announced, having to isolate for 7 weeks with total strangers (which was really hard). Since I’m in Auckland things are a bit different here from the rest of the country, but I am relieved to now be locked down with a job and flatmates I’ve at least known for 2 months. Sadly, being here doesn’t make our friends and family any safer. And like… I have no idea what to do when my visa runs out. Where will we go? It’s so hard to say xx
Oh Cass thanks for commenting. I’m so glad you have found flat mates and a job. I’m grateful at how they prioritize our safety here and I guess as they say, we’re all in this together. I was hoping to come to Auckland the 26th. Now I guess I will have to wait… please stay safe! And you have a friend up north if you need one! ??
Hi Heather,
What an insightful story!
I can relate to you a little bit. I just remembered when I was still in India in March. Many locals were afraid of foreigners like me and some guys were even calling me Corona. It was the weirdest situation of my life as for the first time in my life people were kind of scared of me.
I think Corona makes people simply afraid and scared, and we have no choice but to accept it.
If I were you, I would definitely stay in New Zeeland. 🙂 You’ve been there for a long time. So, I think it’s totally fine to stay there as long as you can.
All the best to you!
Diana
Hi Diana. I’m sorry you had that experience. Such a pity since travel is usually a way to foster global connection and compassion.
I’m certainly trying to stay as long as I can so we shall see what happens!
This must be very surreal. Right now Id love nothing more than to leave the U.K. and head over there or somewhere else but i know how people’s attitudes have been since early feb in the U.K. towards travellers so I’ve ended up cancelling 6 big trips.
I hope you have a lovely time despite the odd atmosphere and worry about home. I was there 10 years ago for 18 months and loved my time living there.
It is definitely beautiful here and the people are lovely. I feel blessed to be here. I hope you and your family and friends and everyone stay safe and that we can all travel safely soon!
These are depressing times indeed and I totally echo your thoughts. People often failt to recognise that freedom also comes with responsibility, rights come with duties. But what to expect when politicians themselves set pathetic examples everywhere. Sending you good vibes and best wishes. Hope you return to your home safe and sound.
Thank you so much. I also imagine being a politician not must be difficult so am trying to find compassion too.
Whatever one hears about a country whilst not experiencing being there often sounds far worse (or glamorous) than it really is. At the moment we are all biding time, wondering where we will be 6 months or a year from now! Difficult to stay positive, but that’s the best we can do.
Ugh I know and my heart goes out to you!! ?
Thank you for sharing your honest and raw thoughts! ?
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This was such an interesting read. Its crazy to read about the perceptions of Americans. Although its tough to not be able to travel abroad, I have been trying to make the best of the situation and explore locally. !
That’s the best thing to do. It is a strange world but still can’t wait to get back into it.
Such an interesting read. I’m currently in Canada but from the UK. I’m also Canadian now so I am at home, but it’s still odd being told I can’t go to my other home where my family and friends are still. I know it’s safer, and Canada seems to be handling better than the UK so I definitely feel a lot of your post.
Oh I didn’t know that wow must be tough to feel pulled between two sets of family. My cousin lives in Canada and gives me the impression they are handling it better than the US and UK. Please stay safe!
Omg this is so surreal! Honestly the way the US is handling the situation is just sad and scary. I’m glad you’ve found meditation and getting closer to nature as your way to cope though 🙂
It really is surreal!
I think you’ve got a better deal than those of us back here in the US… I’d rather be stuck in a beautiful sane country than stuck in my own apartment, still unable to see friends and family for months on end. I miss the world. I want to jaunt off to Asia whenever I want. I want to scuba dive and bask in the sun and see my friends in Germany. I want the family and friends back who have died from this. I want the friends who have lost their livelihood to be back doing the things they love. I hope you get your ballot, your vote is needed!
Yes I know! Many of the reasons I haven’t gone back are the ones you mention as well. I understand your pain. ?? You bet I want my ballot! I will even video my vote. Whatever it takes!
As someone stuck in the USA and already despising how we handle a lot of things, I can empathize with a lot of what you write. I feel like I’m stuck in my own home (albeit by choice at this point) because of everything going on. I’m so disheartened and sad with the country right now. I’m grateful I don’t have to worry about a visa, though! I can only hope it will be okay for you in the future.
It is I’m sure harder for you to be there and watch it than for me to watch from afar. I feel like my values don’t resonate with the behavior happening and that’s a whole other can of worms. Somehow I’m sure things will work out for me and I hope things get better for you and everyone there soon!
I understand completely! Thank you for the hopes and positivity too 🙂
As a look at my dusty passport, I am glad you are in such a great place that I was hoping to visit this fall. I am lucky to find much beauty all around me in New England. And perhaps that is really all I need.
New England is gorgeous! I completely understand finding so much beauty there you feel fulfilled. ?
Honestly, I don’t blame you for staying in New Zealand. I actually work as an English teacher in China, but found myself trapped in the U.S. during the Chinese New Year holiday. Getting bombarded on the news about statistics and friends overseas who worry about the virus in the U.S. is pretty depressing. I’m working on trying to get back to China for the new semester, but there’s a lot of anti-US sentiment going on. There’s not much to do except to wait and hope there’ll be a vaccine soon.
I hear you. The waves of bad feelings building towards foreigners and Americans in particular is not helpful in this situation. I can only find hope in that humanity survived after Spanish Influenza without a vaccine and hopefully this mutates to something less awful soon. Anyway please stay safe and I hope you get back to China.
What a surreal situation! Thank-you for sharing ?
Thank you for reading!
I cannot even imagine being stuck during this time! Being fellow Americans, we can say this, it really is a horrifying situation here in terms of the managment of the virus. We have countless physicians in our immediate family and everyone is so disheartened and they cant give us a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay safe and strong!
So sad! And all the other issues on top like the postal system don’t make it sound any better. Thank you and please also stay safe!!
Wow, it is such crazy times at the moment and so surreal. This was a great read! Thank you for sharing 🙂 Stay safe!!
You too! And thank you for reading. ?
I’m with you on how much I miss travelling! I also recently reflected on what it’s been like to be “stuck” in a place during the pandemic. And as much as it sucks, exploring domestically (and safely) has really made me appreciate what we have.
So true. Being locked in and having our country to ourselves is another surreal experience that actually feels special.
I really hope NZ lets you stay as long as you need to–the US is nott a good place to be in right now. (I’m so jealous/wistful that they have actual leadership and people who actually listen to science over there.) The current “president” is a complete disgrace and embarrassment. I hope you stay safe and healthy in the meantime! <3
Omg I want to take Jacinda with me! Such an amazing experience to have her as a leader. Instead of political fluff/bullshit answers, she speaks directly and logically. Praying for all of you!
Such a contrast based on your experience in the two countries. Interesting read.. Hope you get to travel back soon!